With all the chaos surrounding the current COVID situation and seeing how it is affecting the lives of all the seemingly normal people that I know, I began to wonder what the fictional people of Seinfeld would do during this time. And since the virus has a track record of hitting the elderly much harder, I really began to worry about our friends down in Del Boca Vista. These people can make a mountain out of a molehill with simple daily tasks such as a condo board presidential race or worse, a pen. If you’ll indulge me, I would like to break down how I feel some key players would handle this uncertain time.
Helen Seinfeld - Ah Helen, what can you say about a woman like her. While her man seemingly calls the shots down there, some say she is the Eleanor Roosevelt of the Del Boca Vista community, setting up a puppet regime and yielding power from within. I do feel however that her bordering on unhealthy love for her only son in New York, the epicenter of the COVID outbreak in the US, would really occupy all of her time. Constant calls to check up on him, requesting hand washing counts until she can’t take it anymore and flies up to the NYC for an unannounced quarantine pop in, knowing that once she entered apartment 5A Jerry would have no choice but to ride out 14 days with her. This would leave the house down in Del Boca Vista in the hands of..
Morty Seinfeld - Morty has become insufferable in isolation. His day begins by reading the Boca Breeze pinko commie rag aloud to himself, making sarcastic comments like “Oh you say the infirmary is PACKED do you? Well, I have it on good authority that the only person in there on Friday was Martin Greenspan who tripped over that crack in the sidewalk, that WOULD have been fixed had I not been ousted as President!”.
For the life of me I can’t decide which political party Morty would gravitate to. I do know however that whichever way he leans, he leans farrrrrr. His daily attire rotates between his #1 Dad and Del Boca Vista shirts, sleeping in either because he doesn’t have to hear how they are too tight. He makes daily trips to the clubhouse in defiance of social distancing rules, though he does remove his shoes to avoid a major scandal. He can’t get a decent meal anywhere now that Danny’s has closed up so he subsides on Chip Ahoys without Helen there to badger him. Days are long and he grows increasingly more bitter. That leaves one other man on the premises we have yet to mention, and that is…
Jack Klampos - Jack is absolutely loving quarantine life. He watches out his window as Morty makes his 4pm stroll through the grounds, clutching his astronaut pen as a trophy of sorts to the time he got the best of the Seinfelds. He still hasn’t gotten over the raincoat fiasco where he didn’t get so much as thank you or for Jerry almost killing him in that, that behemoth in Alligator Alley. He recently discovered GrubHub though he has an abysmal 2-star rating due to his questionable tipping. One fiery encounter almost got him banned like Joe's Fruit Stand for not relenting to the delivery driver's insistence to just round it up to an even $20. It’s $19.45.
If you’ve read this far it is clear you either love Seinfeld or you are far from an essential employee. Either way, I salute you. So long from Del Boca Vista.